Category Archives: Low budget movies of the week

Really Awful Movies: Ep 219 – Longshot

Just when we’ve thought we’d seen it all…another turd floats our way.

Longshot is, wait for it…a movie about foosball. Of all things.

With the Champions League and the World Cup, soccer is on a lot of people’s minds, and always is. After all, it’s the world’s most popular sport. But foosball? The dopey, loud, largely unsatisfying bar/rec room/basement parlor game? It’s enough to make your head spin, forget the little plastic men.

This foosball, is tied to football, er, soccer. Paul Rodgers (played by ex-teen idol Leif Garrett) wants to be the next Zidane/Beckham. So he turns down a scholarship at a US college, in order to pursue his dreams….ON THE FOOSBALL CIRCUIT. You see, there’s a 50k grand prize. And if he wins, he can get himself over to Europe and maybe make it in the Premier League?

But this is Bush League stuff.

As the poster here says, “your chance is 1 in 1000,” terrible odds, especially when frittering away an academic scholarship for some pipe dream. Er, Longshot.

Paul and Leroy are 18-year-olds about to make their way to Lake Tahoe where this prestigious event is being held. Unfortunately, through some mechanism we can’t for the life of us remember, Leroy injures his spinning hand (forgive us if we’re not too well-versed in foosball vocab). So Paul enlists the help of 13-year old Maxine. Because that’s what 18-year-olds do, they cross state lines with minors and stay in motel rooms with them. WTF?

That’s a proposition that beggars belief. Much like squandering a chance at funding your post-secondary education on some dopey tournament. Unless your competition had thalidomide arms, it’d probably be anyone’s game.

We podcasted Manos: The Hands of Fate, one of the most boring films ever committed to celluloid. And this is that film’s easy rival. It’s agonizing on every level you know, and on some you don’t.

After all, how in hell could foosball be rendered cinematically?

Who thought this movie was a good idea?

We’ll break it down for you!

Really Awful Movies: Ep 209 – Zombie Nightmare

What do you get when you mix ancient Haitian voodoo mystery with uber-cheap tax shelter bargain basement Canadiana? Why, Zombie Nightmare, of course.

Zombie Nightmare is a 1986 Canadian zombie film produced and directed by Jack Bravman. It stars Jon Mikl thor, who had a lengthy career fronting the eminently forgettable power metal band, Thor. The movie also stars a young  Tia Carrere (the babe from Wayne’s World) and of all people, Batman’s Adam West. West portrays a grizzled, stoagie-puffing police captain.

Zombie Nightmare was filmed in the suburbs of Montreal and cost all of $180,000 to make. And it looks it.

Because this was the 80s, and because it is a sorta-horror movie, there has to be a prologue. Prologues are deliciously fun any way you slice it, whether it’s this one, or the kid from Hospital Massacre getting rejected on Valentine’s and then growing up to be a vicious healthcare serial killer (whoops, spoiler. do check out our Hospital Massacre podcast!) Here, young Tony witnesses his father dying at the hands of two street thugs, as the guy is intervening on behalf of a woman who’s being attacked.

Years later, and our boy is Tony all grown up and a baseball playin’ fun-lovin’ guy. Jon Mikl Thor plays our protagonist, and there’s one thing we should mention about Mr J.M.T: he was a body builder of some renown. Hence, Tony is totally RIPPED and looks like he’d tear the cover off a fastball.

Tony, it seems, inherited his father’s Good Samaritan tendencies. While thwarting a robbery, Tony is run over by some street toughs. The victim, a store proprietor garbling one of the worst Italian accents in celluloid history, drives Tony’s limp, lifeless body to mom’s place, and it’s there that she enlists the help of a Haitian voodoo priestess to raise Tony from the dead.

Tony, thus revived, seeks vengeance on everyone who was in the vehicle that bowled him over.

Silly in the extreme, Zombie Nightmare was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Join us, as we discuss the film on the Really Awful Movies Podcast.