Really Awful Movies: Ep 192 – Don’t Go Near the Park



A truly baffling exposition-fest, coming-of-age, caveman /cannibal curse/vampire movie, Don’t Gear Near the Park is one of the more odd cinematic experiences one can have in the realm of horror.

It fulfilled two criteria for review on this site: a) it was a Video Nasty, and b) it had “don’t” in the title, a subset of films one of us refers to as “admonition movies.”

A caveman sibling duo, is cursed with advanced aging. And the only way to slow down the runaway train of wrinkles, is to…feast on the entrails of victims…in a park…And to fully alleviate the curse, the brother half (Gar) has to father a child, on whom both he and his caveman sister can feed. Full points for originality.

Fast-forward 12,000 years to present day California, and Gar has changed his name, and found his betrothed (played by Linnea Quigley, scream queen extraordinaire). She gives birth to a girl, Bondi, who is the apple of Gar’s eye. Will Gar feed on his offspring? Will the curse be lifted? Does any of this make a lick of sense?

But this isn’t even a coming-of-age tale about Bondi. Don’t Go Near the Park features child actor Meeno Peluce as a runaway, Nick, who befriends a curmudgeonly writer, played by Aldo Ray (seemingly there to provide endless exposition about strange curses…and so the old guy can drone on about the park in question, while mentoring the kid).

Featuring some dollar store bloodletting, day-for-night continuity issues, appalling hair/makeup effects, a narrative that makes Umberto Eco’s body of work look like A Cat in the Hat, this is one BIZARRE BIZARRE film.

Check it out!

 

 


Really Awful Movies: Ep 191 – Solarbabies



Solarbabies. A box office mega-bomb that burned out in the 80s, but which we hope to revive today, so that modern audiences can warm to its cheesy (and multi-faceted) pleasures. Made on a budget of 26-27 million, this made back a mere smidgen of that, at best. And it was critically lambasted almost universally.

However, it’s a future wasteland / post-apocalyptic movie. And we’re all about those, on the Really Awful Movies Podcast. It’s such an inane, yet fun, genre.

Solarbabies refers to a gang of good guys…roller blading good guys…who compete in a post-apocalyptic sport not unlike lacrosse, called “skateball.” And to endear them to the public, the Solarbabies are…orphans…But it’s worse than that. They’re doomed to a labor camp life, under the jack boot and watchful eye of a bunch of evil no-goodniks called, The Protectorate. These guys control all the world’s scant water resources. And they’re mean and nasty.

And it’s ultimately up to the Solarbabies, to try and get control of the water back, so that it can be more broadly distributed to what’s left of humanity. Why is this film called Solarbabies, you might ask? Good question. It’s about water. It should’ve been called Aqua Babies.

But that’s neither here nor there. Solarbabies also features a deity of sorts…a glowing orb that has mystical powers. It bears many of the genre’s hallmarks, but is highly unique in that it’s very PG, has barely any violence, and is…pretty chaste.