Tag Archives: terrible movies

Really Awful Movies: Ep 196 – Friday the 13th (2009)



Jason Voorhees. The butcher of Camp Crystal Lake needs no introduction. Or does he? Perhaps to a new generation of audiences, who were unaware of the source material that is the original Friday the 13th movies.

Of course, now Jason is seemingly everywhere, what with the video game developed by IllFonic, and published by Gun Media.

And he’s been everywhere before too. This is the 12th film in the Jason oeuvre, if you include Freddy VS Jason (which we do).

And this is as different as our mute machete mate has ever been. Director Marcus Nispel took artistic license with the source material, making Jason Voorhees a kidnapper who was fleet-of-foot. And who actually has an underground lair, and quite an elaborate Xanadu too.

At the end of the day though, this is not a well-made movie. There are two spectacular kills, and a lot of killer filler. And the stupidity ante of these campers is OFF THE CHARTS. So, how does Derek Mears acquit himself as the Masked Maniac?

Pretty darn well. It’s the rest of the film that kinda blows. We’ll get into that on this week’s edition of the Really Awful Movies Podcast, Friday the 13th.


Really Awful Movies: Ep 192 – Don’t Go Near the Park



A truly baffling exposition-fest, coming-of-age, caveman /cannibal curse/vampire movie, Don’t Gear Near the Park is one of the more odd cinematic experiences one can have in the realm of horror.

It fulfilled two criteria for review on this site: a) it was a Video Nasty, and b) it had “don’t” in the title, a subset of films one of us refers to as “admonition movies.”

A caveman sibling duo, is cursed with advanced aging. And the only way to slow down the runaway train of wrinkles, is to…feast on the entrails of victims…in a park…And to fully alleviate the curse, the brother half (Gar) has to father a child, on whom both he and his caveman sister can feed. Full points for originality.

Fast-forward 12,000 years to present day California, and Gar has changed his name, and found his betrothed (played by Linnea Quigley, scream queen extraordinaire). She gives birth to a girl, Bondi, who is the apple of Gar’s eye. Will Gar feed on his offspring? Will the curse be lifted? Does any of this make a lick of sense?

But this isn’t even a coming-of-age tale about Bondi. Don’t Go Near the Park features child actor Meeno Peluce as a runaway, Nick, who befriends a curmudgeonly writer, played by Aldo Ray (seemingly there to provide endless exposition about strange curses…and so the old guy can drone on about the park in question, while mentoring the kid).

Featuring some dollar store bloodletting, day-for-night continuity issues, appalling hair/makeup effects, a narrative that makes Umberto Eco’s body of work look like A Cat in the Hat, this is one BIZARRE BIZARRE film.

Check it out!