Tag Archives: terrible movies

Really Awful Movies: Ep 192 – Don’t Go Near the Park



A truly baffling exposition-fest, coming-of-age, caveman /cannibal curse/vampire movie, Don’t Gear Near the Park is one of the more odd cinematic experiences one can have in the realm of horror.

It fulfilled two criteria for review on this site: a) it was a Video Nasty, and b) it had “don’t” in the title, a subset of films one of us refers to as “admonition movies.”

A caveman sibling duo, is cursed with advanced aging. And the only way to slow down the runaway train of wrinkles, is to…feast on the entrails of victims…in a park…And to fully alleviate the curse, the brother half (Gar) has to father a child, on whom both he and his caveman sister can feed. Full points for originality.

Fast-forward 12,000 years to present day California, and Gar has changed his name, and found his betrothed (played by Linnea Quigley, scream queen extraordinaire). She gives birth to a girl, Bondi, who is the apple of Gar’s eye. Will Gar feed on his offspring? Will the curse be lifted? Does any of this make a lick of sense?

But this isn’t even a coming-of-age tale about Bondi. Don’t Go Near the Park features child actor Meeno Peluce as a runaway, Nick, who befriends a curmudgeonly writer, played by Aldo Ray (seemingly there to provide endless exposition about strange curses…and so the old guy can drone on about the park in question, while mentoring the kid).

Featuring some dollar store bloodletting, day-for-night continuity issues, appalling hair/makeup effects, a narrative that makes Umberto Eco’s body of work look like A Cat in the Hat, this is one BIZARRE BIZARRE film.

Check it out!

 

 


Really Awful Movies: Ep 189 – The Love Guru



Whoa.

2008’s The Love Guru, pretty much sank Mike Myers. And that’s a DAMN shame. It’s a terrible movie, to be sure, but a terrific comedic talent like Myers, deserves another shot.

Despite supporting cast-mates like Justin Timberlake, Stephen Colbert, Jim Gaffigan, John Oliver and Sir Ben Kingsley, The Love Guru really lays a big-time egg. This is a monumental stinker, and while not on the level of Master of Disguise, it’s still something to behold. Juvenile zingers, tepid puns…sure, these were present in Austin Powers, but that had an indelible (eponymous) lead that left his mark on pop culture forever.

Not so here.

The Love Guru is lost in no man’s land, neither satirical enough to pot-shot self-help culture, nor lascivious enough to be a Charles Manson-type figure. It just hangs there on a vine.

In a nutshell (“help, I’m in a nutshell!” – see, Austin Powers was the kind of quotable film The Love Guru is not), Guru Pitka is brought in to help a Toronto Maple Leaf star get back together with his wife, so that he can win the Stanley Cup, and help get the Guru to the top of the Guru heap (usurping Deepak Chopra).

Behold, the movie that left Mike Myers in the dust as a comedic force.

On this episode of the Really Awful Movies Podcast, we talk about:

  • Scarborough, the east end of Toronto that inspired some of Myers’ greatest characters, such as Wayne Campbell.
  • The early days of SNL
  • Mike is back, as the host of, of all things, The Gong Show?
  • The Toronto Maple Leafs, our sorry excuse for an NHL team, once mighty, and now pretty much a shell of their former selves (or, uh, selfs?)
  • Why is it that comedians in movies have such a short shelf life?
  • What should Myers do next?