Tag: terrible movies

Really Awful Movies: Ep 73 – Santa with Muscles

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Santa with Muscles is a Christmas movie completely bereft of Yuletide, not to mention human spirit.

It stars a fallen idol, one of our absolute favorites, Hulk Hogan. As a wrestler, we counted ourselves among his many millions of Hulkamaniacs. Oh, how the might have fallen (and shrunk).

Hulkster was off the ‘roids during the filming of this thing and he’s noticeably more svelte here.

Hulk is a celebrity pitchman (art imitating life) who is bonked on the head and thinks he’s the Jolly Olde Elf himself, Santa. He’s adopted into a family’s home and there’s an evil genius antagonist he has to thwart.

Santa with Muscles is not noteworthy, but is notable for a few things: there’s one of the dads from That 70s Show, as well as a really young Mila Kunis! Along for the sleigh ride, an embarrassed Ed Begley Jr. and Hells Angels tough-guy Chuck Zito. There’s a cameo featuring classic 80s wrestler Brutus “The Barber” Beekcake for those who are interested, even if those may only number 3.

Speaking numbers, Santa with Muscles is currently a 2.4 on IMDb and unlikely to get any higher traction with this podcast, in which your intrepid hosts hoisted the eggnog and endured this piece of Christmas crap. Lumps of coal all around.

We talk about wrestlers post-wrestling and how The Rock has fared versus his peers. We also reminisce about our favorite squared circle combatants.

Really Awful Movies: Ep 72 – Maximum Conviction

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Submerged, Half Past Dead…We’ve had fun at Steven Seagal’s expense on the show. And richly deserved.

We figured we’d do it again, because hey, Stone Cold Steve Austin is in it too! Austin AND Seagal??? Double the pain. So much pain in fact, we may have to pull the plug on the man with the plugs. It’s too much. His direct-to-DVD Hungary-lensed turds are too much for even us to take.

In Maximum Conviction, he’s a contractor involved in making sure a prison transfer at a decommissioned prison goes smoothly. What could go wrong you ask? Glad you asked! Lots. There’s some bad guys who want to spring some of the cons.

Seagal has gained considerable poundage and cannot do much of the heavy lifting here. In fact, he barely beats any ass here. What gives? We INSIST on a wrist-snapping aikido-rama but there’s barely any fisticuffs of any sort. Disappointing.

Check out Maximum Conviction and let us know if we’ve missing any other Seagal classics.

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Really Awful Movies: Ep 70 – The Concorde…Airport 79

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On this episode of the podcast, we break the sound and patience barrier with the infamously corny 70s disaster movie, The Concorde or Airport ’79 or Airport ’80 (whatever, it goes by various names).

The Airport series originated the 70s disaster movie phenomenon. This piece of junk very nearly grounded it as soon as it began. The airport series once showcased the likes of A-listers Dean Martin, Burt Lancaster and Jacqueline Bisset, but by the time the sequel The Concorde Airport 79 took to the skies, those roles went to B-movie legend Sybil Danning (Chained Heat) and Good Times ham and originator of the catchphrase Dy-no-mite!, Jimmie Walker. And let’s not forget Charo!

In The Concorde, a corrupt aerospace executive (Robert Wagner) learns that a reporter has found out about his arms dealing side-gig. Instead of muscling her, offering a bribe or killing her, he decides to blow up a concorde jet she happens to be travelling on. You gotta admire his ambition!

The captain is played by Antonioni standout and French legend Alain Delon, who needs subtitles in this one as his English is so mangled (and his subtitles would need subtitles, just to be sure). It’s his job, along with bombastic flyboy/flyman Patroni (George Kennedy, Cool Hand Luke and 200 other films) to protect passengers from missile attacks.

There are terrible effects, a who’s who of past-their-salad-days nobodies, running airplane bathroom gags that have to be seen to be believed and an itinerant jazz musician who noodles from his seat. You can clearly see how it inspired Airplane!

Variety called it an “unintentional comedy” and the film, after numerous critical skewerings, barely made back its production costs . Roger Ebert went off on the film in I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie.