Tag: terrible movies

Really Awful Movies: Ep 35 – Deadly Crossing

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Not so much a movie, as a few episodes of a dreadful TV show cobbled together INTO a movie.

In our quest to watch every Steven Seagal “movie” ever made, we bravely tackle Deadly Crossing.

In this, the amazing thespian aikido master tries to master a Cajun accent, and does so very unsuccessfully. And no discussion of a Seagal movie is complete without mentioning his brillo pad hairdo.

This is a Canadian-lensed dull police procedural with some of the worst Russian gangster accents ever committed to celluloid. For a $5 Walmart pickup, we can’t complain – too much.

Really Awful Movies: Ep 34 – Xanadu

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Xanadu!

A fantasy, a musical, a place where dreams come true…for some, it’s more of a nightmare and more of a Xana-don’t.

However, there is something undoubtedly charming about this Olivia Newton-John MEGA-flop, which co-stars the late great Gene Kelly and Warrior Michael Beck.

A roller-skating artist, who doesn’t know the meaning of the term “muse” (!) meets a sprite on the beach and tries to romance her. He seeks advice from a beach clarinet-playing dandy (!) who wants to open a nightclub with him.

Then things get weird.

Thanks to Robin Bougie of Cinema Sewer for the tip-off.

 

Really Awful Movies: Ep 33 – Firestorm

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Without a word of a lie, Firestorm is one of the most dunderheaded films we’ve ever encountered (and we’ve endured four films made by Steven Seagal in the 2000s!).

Howie Long is a firefighter, battling blazes in Wyoming. Long was a long-time Raider football player and is one of the greatest defensive linemen of all time – as an actor? Not so much.

This piece of crap was initially set up to star Sylvester Stallone but the production company went belly up and the budget was given a slash ‘n’ burn. So they got Howie instead.

And what is Scott Glenn doing in this??? He’s a legend, who should’ve known better. He plays a grizzled firefighting captain and has a mobile home land on him! (and escapes unscathed for the most part).

A bunch of inmates out on a work program are on firefighting detail. They break free and jet off into the wilderness. One among their ranks (William Forsythe) has a bunch of money stashed away and they exacerbate the blaze to avoid being captured. And there’s only one lunk-head who can stop them.