Really Awful Movies: Ep 124 – Jaws 3-D

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Steven Spielberg’s Jaws is one of the defining classics of our age. Jaws 3-D. Um. Not so much.

When a 10-foot great white gets into a Seaworld lagoon, that’s a problem. But an even bigger problem, literally, is its mother, a 35-foot behemoth the size of a city bus and only slightly less unpleasant.

Dennis Quaid, son of Sheriff Brody and company are tasked with ridding the creature from the amusement park and nearby beaches.

Will he need a bigger boat? A bigger budget? Find out in our JAWS 3-D podcast! Yes, we actually viewed it in 3-D.

Lea Thompson, Louis Gossett and Bess Armstrong co-star in this fun, if water-logged, dud.

Really Awful Movies: Ep 123 – Martyrs

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This week, Pascal Laugier’s excellent and devastatingly effective horror MARTYRS.

Stellar performances by Mylène Jampanoï and Morjana Alaoui propel this captivating story of Lucie and Anna, two friends who grew up at the same orphanage, one of whom (Lucie) was rescued from an abattoir were sinister experimentations took place.

A home invasion / revenge / supernatural / torture horror, Martyrs defies expectations and categorization.

We urge listeners to check out this genre-defining 2008 film before tuning into this week’s podcast. There will be spoilers aplenty.

Over at Shock Till You Drop they said (rightly) the film is “the new yard stick against which all forms of extreme genre films should be measured against…”

 

Really Awful Movies: Ep 122 – No Holds Barred

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Popping vitamins and saying our prayers with the second Hulk Hogan movie we’ve endured on the podcast, 1989’s NO HOLDS BARRED.

A network with sagging ratings tries to boost their brand by signing the world’s top wrestling draw, Rip (The Hulkster). When he balks, they produce their own long-form political drama for HBO, become hugely successful, and the rest is history. Just kidding.

They do what any major network would do under the circumstances: attempt a kidnapping, bait the competition with a seductress, then stage a cage fighting tournament for television, featuring a cross-eyed psychopath straight outta prison.

No Holds Barred combines the logic-defying zaniness of a Cannon film (even though it’s New Line), with the crappiness of a WWE production. The Washington Post said it has a  “script that seems to be a collaboration between Hogan’s publicists and Hollywood hacks who somehow missed “Rocky” and its progeny…”

Featuring a generous 11% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, No Holds Barred was promoted on WWE via “No Holds Barred: The Match/The Movie. The matches were no great shakes either (The Ultimate Warrior is on the undercard) and the federation remains embarrassed enough that this isn’t available on their network/website.

When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside…