Tag: terrible movies

Really Awful Movies: Ep 201 – New Year’s Evil

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It’s that time of year…a time for…New Year’s Evil!

Thank you, thank you, thank you Cannon Films. What would we do on the Really Awful Movies Podcast without the charming movies put out by the cousins, Yoram Globus and Menahem Golan?

New Year’s Evil is a bit like Hospital Massacre, another Cannon piece of cinematic cheese which was also centred around a festive time of year (in that case, Valentine’s Day).

The film was seemingly made to capitalize on the nascent New Wave music scene at the time of its release. And as a result, there’s some period-awesome music. The New Year’s Evil soundtrack foot-stomper was co-written by Roxanne Seeman, a New York City-born songwriter who penned hits for Bette Midler, Barbara Streisand, as well as The Sisters of Mercy (one of these things is not like the other). The track is absolutely top-notch (Phantom of the Paradise kinda vibe) and the music really elevates this, which is essentially a standard stalk-and-slash.

In New Year’s Evil…There’s a killer on the loose…and he’s timing his killings to coincide with the ringing in of the year new in different American time zones. Neat premise, huh? It’s something worth considering as you belt out Auld Lang Syne three sheets to the wind…

And the killer, who calls himself EVIL, has his sights on the host of a New Year’s Eve television broadcast for punk music aficionados.

Of note: the punk host is played by Roz Kelly, the Fonz’ girlfriend on Happy Days. And also of note: the killer adopts disguises with varying degrees of effectiveness.

Be sure to tune in to the Really Awful Movies Podcast, a celebration of genre cinema.

Really Awful Movies: Ep 196 – Friday the 13th (2009)

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Jason Voorhees. The butcher of Camp Crystal Lake needs no introduction. Or does he? Perhaps to a new generation of audiences, who were unaware of the source material that is the original Friday the 13th movies.

Of course, now Jason is seemingly everywhere, what with the video game developed by IllFonic, and published by Gun Media.

And he’s been everywhere before too. This is the 12th film in the Jason oeuvre, if you include Freddy VS Jason (which we do).

And this is as different as our mute machete mate has ever been. Director Marcus Nispel took artistic license with the source material, making Jason Voorhees a kidnapper who was fleet-of-foot. And who actually has an underground lair, and quite an elaborate Xanadu too.

At the end of the day though, this is not a well-made movie. There are two spectacular kills, and a lot of killer filler. And the stupidity ante of these campers is OFF THE CHARTS. So, how does Derek Mears acquit himself as the Masked Maniac? Pretty darn well. It’s the rest of the film that kinda blows.

A little backstory.

Friday the 13th (2009) was released in theaters on Friday, February 13, 2009, appropriately enough.

The franchise entry received mainly negative reviews, which is not unprecedented as this series isn’t exactly a critical darling. The movie earned approximately US$19 million on its opening night and $40 million during its opening weekend, when it broke two records; the highest-earning opening day for the film series and the highest-earning opening weekend for any horror film.

As of July 2014, it is the second-highest grossing film in the Friday the 13th film series ($65 million), and has earned about $92.7 million worldwide since. Critic Kim Newman opined that the film is “Unlucky for almost everyone. It’s a sad day when a Friday the 13th remake is shown up by a My Bloody Valentine remake.” (for those who are interested, your intrepid hosts tackled My Bloody Valentine 3D on Ep 86).

But on this week’s edition of the Really Awful Movies Podcast, it’s time to don the sunscreen and visit Camp Crystal Lake in this installment of Friday the 13th.

Really Awful Movies: Ep 192 – Don’t Go Near the Park

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A truly baffling exposition-fest, coming-of-age, caveman /cannibal curse/vampire movie, Don’t Gear Near the Park is one of the more odd cinematic experiences one can have in the realm of horror.

It fulfilled two criteria for review on this site: a) it was a Video Nasty, and b) it had “don’t” in the title, a subset of films one of us refers to as “admonition movies.”

A caveman sibling duo, is cursed with advanced aging. And the only way to slow down the runaway train of wrinkles, is to…feast on the entrails of victims…in a park…And to fully alleviate the curse, the brother half (Gar) has to father a child, on whom both he and his caveman sister can feed. Full points for originality.

Fast-forward 12,000 years to present day California, and Gar has changed his name, and found his betrothed (played by Linnea Quigley, scream queen extraordinaire). She gives birth to a girl, Bondi, who is the apple of Gar’s eye. Will Gar feed on his offspring? Will the curse be lifted? Does any of this make a lick of sense?

But this isn’t even a coming-of-age tale about Bondi. Don’t Go Near the Park features child actor Meeno Peluce as a runaway, Nick, who befriends a curmudgeonly writer, played by Aldo Ray (seemingly there to provide endless exposition about strange curses…and so the old guy can drone on about the park in question, while mentoring the kid).

Featuring some dollar store bloodletting, day-for-night continuity issues, appalling hair/makeup effects, a narrative that makes Umberto Eco’s body of work look like A Cat in the Hat, this is one BIZARRE BIZARRE film.

Check it out!